Being assertive lets you express your thoughts and feelings confidently and clearly. So, it’s a skill that can help create a healthy lifestyle with positive relationships.
Assertiveness is a helpful way to communicate what you think, feel, want and dream about. This doesn't necessarily mean that you’ll get more of what you want. What it does mean is that you can feel good about the relationships you have, have more control of your life and feel more relaxed, contented and confident about yourself.
How we communicate and behave with others really depends on the situation we are in. If we are in a difficult or challenging situation, how we behave usually has a big impact on the outcome. If we raise our voices and threaten others for instance, we are less likely to get our own way than if we talk calmly and put forward our point of view clearly.
And practice makes perfect, so don’t be afraid to watch how others communicate - think about the skills you admire in people around you and see if you can learn from them. You can even do this by watching the telly. Soaps like Eastenders and Hollyoaks have characters that are very assertive, very passive or very aggressive - although bear in mind that these are fictional characters often with extreme ways of behaving to make the action more interesting for us viewers!
Check it out: Ways we communicate
We can generally categorise the way we communicate in three main groups -
Assertive
Passive
Aggressive
For instance, people behaving assertively may:
- Speak up for themselves
- See others’ point of view
- Will accept they don’t always get their own way
- Not be afraid to say no to others
- …which could make them feel confident, in control and listened to by others.
People behaving passively may:
- Just keep quiet to avoid upsetting others
- Not believe they have the right to be listened to
- Not feel their views are valuable
- Might say “it doesn’t matter” even when it does
- …which could make them feel out of control, ignored, lonely and low in confidence.
People behaving aggressively may:
- Refuse to consider the views of others
- Use threats to get their own way
- Believe they have the right to get their own way
- Be unwilling to compromise with others - meet them halfway
- …which could make them feel powerless, scared, angry and alone.
Like to become more assertive?
If you’d like to become more assertive, then consider this:
- Value yourself
- Remember that it’s OK to say ‘no’ and to expect others to accept this
- Make sure that what you want is fair to others as well as to yourself
- Be clear and open about your feelings
- When talking keep calm and be clear - shouting tends to either frighten people or make them aggressive
- Be open to constructive criticism – for instance if a friend was to tell you: “I think its great when you laugh and have fun, rather than when you moan or sulk.”
- Be prepared to compromise with others - meet them halfway
Remember
- Nobody can read your mind – if you don’t say it nobody knows you’re thinking it
- You have a right to be heard – and a responsibility to use your voice
- It’s never acceptable to use physical aggression to communicate – that means no hitting, punching, kicking or slapping.
If you feel you would like to learn more about increasing your assertiveness, please call us and make an appointment to speak with one of the team at Caledonia Youth.
Check it out: Assertiveness Quiz
Find out how assertive you are with our quick quiz!
All you have to do is look at each of these five scenarios and select one option - A, B or C – for your response to each. Take a note of your responses and depending on whether you have scored mainly As, Bs or Cs, read the matching answer to find out what this tells you about your communication skills.
1) Your friends have asked you to go shoplifting but you don’t want as you know it’ll lead to trouble.
Do you:
A Go along with your friends and do it anyway?
B Tell your friends you’d rather not as it will end in trouble?
C Refuse to go along with them but then go home and kick the cat?
2) Your partner has said that they would like to start having sex with you. You don’t quite feel ready for this and would prefer to wait.
Do you:
A Have sex with them; after all you don’t want to lose them?
B Tell your partner that you really like them but you’re going to wait until you feel ready to have sex?
C Next time they mention it say “For goodness sake - you’re sex mad!” and walk out, slamming the door behind you?
3) Your best friend is always borrowing things from you. Whenever you get them back, they’re damaged - but your friend never offers to repair or replace them.
Do you:
A Say nothing and continue to let them borrow things, as you’re scared they’ll fall out with you if you don’t?
B Tell them that they’re welcome to borrow your things but ask them to make sure that they don’t get damaged?
C Shout at them “No! The last time you borrowed something it got broken. Don’t ask me again.”?
4) The school bully keeps asking you to give them your lunch money and bus fares.
Do you:
A Just give them the money as it’ll save you a lot of hassle?
B Tell them “no” and tell an adult you trust about what is happening?
C Next time they ask you, you punch them?
5) One of your relatives always seems to criticise you whenever you’re at family get-togethers.
Do you:
A Just sit quietly, after all she wouldn’t criticise you for no reason?
B Have a word with your parent/carer about it and ask them to support you in talking to the relative about why they criticise you?
C Storm out in a big huff, saying you’ll never go to another family get-together?
How assertive are you?
Mainly As
Your score suggests that you could benefit from becoming more assertive, as you’re possibly too passive most of the time. This will probably mean that you rarely get what you want and need out of difficult situations, and possibly out of life in general. Remember that you have the right to an opinion and that you don’t always just have to put up with things. Look at our section on becoming more assertive - ask someone you trust to help you work on being able to say ‘no’ to people.
Check it out: Mainly Bs
Your score suggests that you probably have good assertiveness skills and that you’re not afraid of what others think of your opinion. Great! This is very healthy. Continue to work on being assertive and, if you need to, why not share some of your skills with your friends.
Mainly Cs
Your score suggests that you could benefit from working on how you deal with tricky situations. To others, your responses might look as if you’re being aggressive. Just try to keep in mind that people might not be aware you’re unhappy with them. So, why not work on letting others know your feelings, both when you’re happy and when you’re not?
Check it out: